After the last two weeks’ songs, both of which were pretty slow and lovely, this week we get a little raw.  Everyone knows that Portland is a big town for bikers -- and I mean the pedaling variety, not the Harley variety.  And though I am a big supporter of bikes (some of my favorite in-laws are avid bikers), we also know the (not untrue) characterization of bike riders in Portland being a bit, um, how shall we put this, forceful about their rights as bikers?  And rightfully so, I say!  But this week’s song, “Biker Bully,” takes the stereotype to an extreme and imagines your favorite bike commuters as a heavy-metal singing, guitar-smashing rockers.

I should mention that I wrote this song earlier this week before hearing the recent news story about the bicyclist who assaulted a driver with his bike.  This song definitely isn’t a commentary on that -- I recognize that as the ridiculous aberration it was.  Truly, I’m a PDX bike supporter.  (No, really!)

Incidentally, the picture above is there not to suggest that Earl Blumenauer is a biker bully, but to prove that the line in the third verse has a basis in reality and isn’t just a convenient rhyme!

Here’s your philosophical question for the week: can a cappella technically even be heavy metal?

Lyrics:

Hey there, Mr. Hummer, get out of my lane!

I’m a little bit mad, a little bit crude, and a little bit insane.

The streets of Portland are my domain --

I’ve got fifteen speeds that can cause you pain.

You can find me all over the street,

The meanest two-wheeler that you’ll ever meet.

I’ve got those Harley sissies beat,

Ridin’ on the power of my own two feet.

I’m a biker bully!

Biker bully!

Move to the side, ‘cause I need a wide berth.

Can’t you see I’m doing something so good for the earth?

My mama always told me, since the day of my birth:

“Son, people with motors don’t have any worth.”

You can find me all over the street,

The meanest two-wheeler that you’ll ever meet.

I’ve got those Harley sissies beat,

Ridin’ on the power of my own two feet.

I’m a biker bully!

Biker bully!

I don’t stop for pedestrians, don’t stop for little girls.

You might see me in Hawthorne, might see me on the bridge, or even in the Pearl.

Never tried a bike before?  You should give it a whirl.

Even lawyers and bankers do it, and a congressman named Earl.

You can find me all over the place,

The meanest two-wheeler that you’ll ever face.

If you think that I can just be erased

I’ll kick your four wheels into outer space.

I’m a biker bully!

Biker bully!

I’m a biker bully!

Biker bully!