I’ll start this week’s post by admitting two things: first, that I’ve never been on the Sternwheeler, so nothing about this week’s song comes from experience.  And second, I’ve always wanted to go on the Sternwheeler, so there we are!

This week’s song, “Sternwheeler Pirates,” imagines a band of pirates riding around on Portland’s most famous boat.  But instead of the normal piracy-by-violence, they invite people on board their vessel, serve them a decent meal, but just charge exorbitant amounts of money for it.  (Again, never having been on the Sternwheeler, I can’t speak to the actual quality of the food or the prices!)  They’re hospitable pirates, in a way.

This song features just about every word I can possibly think of that rhymes with *ank.  And a final thanks to http://free-loops.com for the sound of waves -- maybe the first non-vocal sound effect I’ve used in the Portland songs?

Lyrics:

Arr and avast, ye mateys!  We be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

Shiver me timbers and walk the plank!

The last boat that crossed us was rightfully sank

And now it sleeps in the deep so dank,

For we be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

We sail the seas (or at least the rivers) and pillage, loot and plunder.

Willamette, Columbia -- weigh the anchors -- and hear our great wheel’s thunder!

By night we invite ye aboard the ship, ye lily-livered knaves.

By evening you’re sloshed, and wishin’ the boat didn’t make so many waves.

Arr and avast, ye mateys!  We be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

Shiver me timbers and walk the plank!

Your suits and your dresses are awfully swank,

But ye’ve no idea that we’ve got a prank

For we be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

The dinners are fair but they’re frightfully priced.  Ye landlubbers, hand us your dough!

We rob ye while makin’ ye think that you’re happy, and ye don’t even know.

“A cultural outing,” ye tell yourselves, a’feeling proud and snooty.

Oh, pirating never was easy as this -- ye should see our pile o’ booty!

Arr and avast, ye mateys!  We be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

Shiver me timbers and walk the plank!

Your bellies be full but your faces be blank --

If your wallets are empty ye’ve us to thank,

For we be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

So don’t be surprised when ye hear the news of piracy somewhere reported --

We’re the only ship in all of the world that is waiting around to be boarded.

Ahh, Portlanders, thank ye for making us rich: it’s a noble fate, and good.

So come on and join us just any ol’ time, we’d welcome ye back if we could.

Arr and avast, ye mateys!  We be the Sternwheeler Pirates.

Shiver me timbers and walk the plank!

We’ll give ye our motto and make it frank:

“A ride with us means a trip to the bank,

For we be the Sternwheeler Pirates.”

Ye never did see a group so rank --

For we be the Sternwheeler Pirates!